Things My Dog Taught Me Not To Do.

I typed “things my dog taught me” in Google search and it spit out 24.7 million results in .68 seconds. I was half-tempted to ask Google to think it over for a few minutes to see what else it could come up with, but that will do for a casual perusal. I did the same on Amazon and came up with pages worth of books with the title in it. I shit you not. I’m sure I could have found many more related books but I am not a paid journalist and aint nobody got time for that.

The point is, there are a lot of people getting a lot of life lessons from their dogs. Here are a few books on the subject:

I think there are more life lessons to be learned from dogs than a human being can accumulate in a lifetime. Apparently, dogs are particularly adept at teaching The Gospel, perhaps due to the fact that dog is an anagram of God.

It’s like a Goddamn conspiracy. Somebody out there, possibly a cabal, is trying to make you act like a dog. They’re trying to tell you you’re dog is smarter than you. Don’t buy it. You know who else received instruction from their dog? David Berkowitz, that’s who. The man who was known as the Son Of Sam killer was acting on the orders of his neighbor’s dog.

So in response to this sudden influx of articles and books on what you can learn from your dog, I give you this list of ten behaviors you should not learn from your dog. I seriously can't believe I have to do this, but it is apparent from the messages being delivered on the internet that I do.

1. Don’t sniff strangers’ butts. Just don’t do it. It’s an invasion of personal space and creepy as fuck. There is literally nothing to be gained by doing this.
2. Don’t just eat shit you find lying on the ground. Honestly people, I shouldn’t have to tell you this but the dog lobby is trying to make you think it's acceptable. It’s unsanitary.
3. Make room for other people on the fucking couch. Don’t pretend you’ve suddenly become paralyzed and can’t move. Just move over, it’s not the end of the world. There’s room for all.
4. If you see a couple feeling a bit romantic, give them some space, don’t try to get in between them. Have you never heard that two’s company and three’s a crowd?
5. If you need to go to the bathroom, just go. Don’t ask where the bathroom is and then stop once you get to the bathroom door like you don’t know what you came there for. And when you’re done doing your business, don’t poke around the whole bathroom for an hour like it’s a freaking museum. Oh, and nobody wants to see your business: flush.
6. Take a bath more than once every couple months, for fuck’s sake. And on a related note:
7. Don’t roll in smelly shit. Honestly, if it smells like a dead fish, what makes you think it’s a perfume to be applied liberally? You think others want you bringing that smell in their house?
8. Don’t lick your own butt. I know, this isn’t a problem for most of us, but a younger, more flexible Gene Simmons was known to do this all the time. Don’t be like Gene Simmons.
9. Don’t be a spaz. Not everybody who comes to the door is coming to give you belly rubs. Not every stranger on the street wants to be your best friend.
10. If I’m eating my dinner, don’t stare at me and drool. It’s fucking gross and I’d never do it to you. If I feel like sharing, I’ll share. Don’t try and guilt trip me. Remember, it’s uncool to drool.